15 years ago today my Dad lost his battle with cancer. I would like to tell those of you that have lost loved ones that time makes it better, but I can’t. It may get more bearable, however it never, and I mean NEVER gets easier.
Today is much harder than any other “day” because it is the day I remember the loss. The pain, the very minute it happened, what he said, what I said, who was there, everything. I want to say I remember all the happy days just as much, but I don’t. That say my whole world stops and a part of me was gone and I think that even after 15 years I am still searching for that piece and nothing makes it better.
Historically this day has been a bad day for me. I really try not to plan much and just try to get it over with. Some years I try to prepare myself and trick myself into making it a good day. This year I had so much to do that I thought for sure I wouldn’t even think about it. Then I couldn’t get into my computer so the whole day I could not do work I really needed to do to distract me. I had meeting scheduled for Dylan, and those went faster than usual. I guess it was the universe telling me, you are entitled to your one day of mourning. You get this ONE day a year to be sad, grumpy, and mad. Just the one day though. I think that is the key, it doesn’t get easier, or better, but allowing it to take you over and forget all the other good there is will not either.